What Autism Taught Me, Part 4: Out Of My League?

“It was wonderful how he attended and wanted to keep working even when I suggested we quit.”

We’re never out of our league. We’re just constantly learning to be in new leagues.   

Getting our son into an early intervention program was amazing progress.  I finally felt like I had some soldiers alongside me to help do battle. And believe me, this was a battle.  

Each day, he was sent home with handwritten notes neatly folded into the top of his backpack with updates about his behavior and progress. Over time, reading these notes was the first thing I did the second we walked in the door. As the weeks passed, they became more difficult for me to stomach:

Your son won’t follow instructions.

He is disruptive in class.

He only wants to play with beads on the light table.

We’re unable to control him.

I began putting off checking his backpack until the last possible minute at night. But those notes, and many similar ones, were what I took to bed with me.  

I started to question my abilities. I was out of my league with no clear path for how to help him. Fear of the unknown swirled in my mind:

Am I capable of being his mother?

Am I capable of loving him?

I worked through each day pushing these thoughts to the side until I lay my head on my pillow; night time was my enemy.  

But then, one day, I opened my son’s backpack and pulled out a large, folded piece of paper. It had several circles colored in, with comments written in the margins.  I read these comments over and over: Our son had willingly participated in hand-over-hand therapy, the outcome of which was him filling in those circles.  For months he held fast, refusing to participate, digging in his heels, until the day he let someone in. And they helped him.

Every parent of a difficult child knows what this moment feels like. To anyone else it’s a piece of paper with dots. To us, it’s hope.

The next week I unwrapped a tile decorated with little flowers. The attached note read that our son had willingly dipped his finger in paint and made little flowers at the top of the stems. I distinctly remember sitting down and feeling the weight of the world lift from my shoulders.

Of course I was capable of being his mother. And of course I was capable of loving him. I wasn’t out of my league; I was just in a new league.

As we navigate our careers, the feeling of being out of our league is often referred to as imposter syndrome. The anxiousness associated with doubting ourselves, not valuing our accomplishments, and questioning our capabilities can sabotage our life and the lives of those around us.

If you’re losing sleep over something handed to you in the office that feels out of your league, look over your shoulder to remind yourself of your hard-fought accomplishments. Then look forward, in the direction you’re headed, and own your new league. Feeling out of your league and questioning your abilities is part of the learning process. It means you are human and you have a conscience, and it’s a reminder that every day we have an opportunity to challenge ourselves and learn new things.

Surround yourself with people who can help you overcome new hurdles. We’re never out of our league, we’re just constantly learning to be in new leagues.

Chase’s little fingerprints for the flowers.

Edits by Elyse Goldberg